I'm so dumb

I thought things would be a breeze once I got done with school...

inspiration and motivation aren't things that you can force or hurry. I need help, I admit it. I just don't know who from. so far the "help" I've been getting is having an opposite effect.

age has nothing to do with being grown up

my head won't leave my head alone

I wish I could stop obsessing over guys that I'll probably never see again..

shit's been coming to my attention recently that makes me wonder if I should contact certain people again, but I can't convince myself to. I mean, what would come of it? this dude's in Colorado.. if I say "hey, how's life? remember how we used to flirt? maybe we should make something of that," it'll be stupid because I'm here and he's there.

but. if he ever feels like coming here or I end up visiting Colorado again soon...

ugh. too much.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me and the interactions we used to have or if that's all in my head and he thinks I was a stupid ditz. my friends think I have nothing to lose by talking to him again, but I DO. I have my dignity. I would feel really lame and desperate if I said hi to him and he responded with "ummm, why are you trying to be my friend now? after like, three years??" or he didn't respond at all!! that would be the worst :( I guess that's what I'm most afraid of.

but then there's also the possibility that he'll be really happy about it. I used to think he had feelings for me, though I don't know why, but I never knew how to flirt or make it into something. what if he wants to get closer and talk more often and maybe eventually come visit? or have me visit... that's scary too.

I don't want to write about this anymore, so I'm gonna share my newest discovery.

CocoRosie. a band of two sisters that sounds like little girls singing made up songs to an electronic back-beat. I love it. I feel like I used to hear their music a lot in college and just didn't know who they were.. so now I do and I'm having fun :)

Noah's Ark

saltwater queen

I know this is like the most retarded, emo, self-pity thing to say ever, but I really hate myself sometimes. now being one of those times

I just spent an hour and a half straightening my hair, applying smoky nighttime makeup, and trying on every dress/heels combination that I have before deciding that I wasn't gonna go out. my friend invited me to dinner and drinks for her birthday tonight and I was so glad that she actually wants me around (we haven't seen each other for a while and honestly, she's way cooler and more Vegas than me) but I felt like my wardrobe wouldn't suffice for the night ahead. and I didn't have money. I'm so sick of asking my dad for money. I KNOW I need to find a job and start supporting myself and not worrying about how I'm gonna afford nights out with friends, but that's a separate story.

so I thought "maybe I should just go and not worry about how well-dressed I am" and then I thought "no I can't wear that. it's lame." who cares that it's lame? no one. only me. then I thought "I can't wear this because I'm way too fat for it." really, it's just my arms that are exposed and fat. but I couldn't wear a cardigan with a frumpy dress while everyone else is wearing cute cocktail dresses from department stores.

I spent so much time criticizing and second-guessing my clothing choices that it ended up being half an hour past the time that my friend wanted people to meet up and I still had a 30-minute drive to get to the place :/ so I thought to myself (I do this a lot, in case you haven't noticed) "it's not worth driving all the way there if they're almost done and are about to go somewhere else." plus I hate being late and I'm ALWAYS late. sometimes, for some reason, I'll think it's better to not go at all than to show up late. what is wrong with me?!?! it's so fucking ridiculous that I over-analyze these things that aren't even important and miss out on spending time that IS important :(

it makes me really sad and disappointed in myself. I feel like punching a wall right now because I can't deal with this issue in any other way. I'm missing the birthday celebration. I wasted time making myself pretty to just take everything off again. I'm now sitting at home complaining about how lame I am because I'm not going out. I set up these situations that are inevitable EVERY time that I have the chance to be a normal person and do something fun. it makes no sense to me. am I really that scared of everything?? ...