counting bodies like sheep

I need to stop this.

lately I've been looking up people I used to know. people that I used to have *things* with and it's not a good idea. one, because I need to get over them and bringing back memories is counter-productive. two, because it makes me wonder how I would be now if things HAD worked out with them. and that makes me curious about what THEY are like now... and that makes me want to contact them.

BAD. bad bad bad... you should never go back. things are never the same. ugh but I can't help wondering. bleh

I wish I didn't have such issues with people. I either try too hard and realize they're not worth it or I don't try enough and later realize they WERE worth it. sucks either way. I need to be a tad more trusting and a bit less neurotic probably.

it's too bad we can't get songs imprinted into our personalities so that when people get to know us they hear the songs that best describe our feelings or that we love most

2 and 2 always makes 5

if only drinking wasn't so hard on your body. I love how easy it is for me to say things I don't want to say after I've had a few and how much I'm willing to talk... I'm only afraid that I'll regret it when my liver croaks and I have to have an organ replacement. or when it gets old and people realize I'm boring.

so, I can't decide if this is logical thinking or not:

-if I buy food, I will eat it. if I eat the food that I usually buy, I will gain weight. so it's better that I don't leave the house to go buy food. right? :/

-if I don't leave the house, I will still eat food (probably too much) and sit around instead of getting outside and walking through grocery stores.. so staying home is bad for my figure as well.

-if I get up early, go to the gym and elliptical for like, 2 hours and THEN buy groceries and then sit around at home eating them, it's not as bad as either of the afore mentioned scenarios but then I get tired and sleep after I eat, which slows down my metabolism.

so I have decided that no matter what I do I regret it and life is hopeless

p.s. I still don't have a job. redundancy!

a deeper meaning?

I have no deeper meaning. I am no longer deep. all of my feelings have been expressed and my insides might as well be on the outside as everyone has seen them already... I have nothing to hide. people know me too well. I HAVE NO MORE SECRETS because I've told them all to anyone and everyone who will listen. I'm desperate for a kindred spirit, someone who cares or at least understands but it never happens. I just keep telling more and more hoping that someone will hear it and say "oh hey, me too!" pretty soon I'll have nothing to talk about and have my vocal chords removed. or maybe I'll start singing instead. or writing... writers are deep. right?

brunettes have more fun

I need an eyebrow pencil.

push up bra, acrylic nails

I have moved to Las Vegas
I live with my dad.. it's good so far

everyone and everything is different in Vegas. I've lived here before. about ten years ago we moved FROM Las Vegas TO Colorado.. then I moved back. my dad lives in a gated community, one of many in this crazy, unsafe place. I watch too much C.S.I. I'm soooo paranoid! plus his house was burglarized not too long ago so there's actually some reason to my paranoia. I miss my friends :( I miss Fort Collins. at least there I could walk around and feel safe(ish) and I knew which bars were the good ones and the best place to get a burrito. there the smell is familiar and my hair and skin are predictable. here I step outside and am always surprised, either by how warm it is, how windy it is, or how stagnant and strangely cool it is. the last has actually happened the most. apparently they DO have a spring here

the other day I bought a push up bra. don't ask me why, it was a strange impulse. I don't like to flaunt my assets and I definitely do not like to draw attention to my upper body.. (I also don't need any help in that region, if you know what I mean) but I like the way the bras push me up and in. haaaaa haha, so there's that. conforming? not quite..
I've noticed that many many females in this town (dare I say most of them) have their nails done professionally in a salon. I've seen some attractive sets and some not-so-attractive ones and I'm actually contemplating having mine done someday. once I find a job that doesn't require me to use my hands too much... hmm, maybe that won't happen after all. it would be hard to knit with nails too. :( poo

it's true, money doesn't get you very far

I went to Denver to shop at the Cherry Creek shopping center today. it was depressing. I mean, not because everything was SOOO expensive and it would have been laughable to see ME walk into the Louis Vuitton store like I could do something, I'm used to that. that's why I <3 that mall so much. the depressing thing was the fact that I DID have money and COULD have spent it on SOMETHING (maybe not Louis Vuitton.. ) but I didn't!! I didn't spend my money! what the deuce is happening to me? I used to LOOOOVE spending money on frivolous things that would make me happy for about two months! am I growing up? ick! I used to swoon over the shoes in Neiman Marcus that I usually only see on the pages of my fashion magazines and be amazed that I could actually pick them up and *gasp* maybe try them on! now it's nothing. it's the same old thing over and over

I always go to Cherry Creek and marvel at the prices and the types of people who actually AFFORD it all. I always get strange looks when people notice my undone hair and my frumpy clothes and my lack of designer jewelry. maybe I'm over it. maybe I want to blend in now for some reason and not be noticed. maybe I don't actually want to go to Cherry Creek anymore :(

how sad am I? this type of stuff pops into my head.. oh well
I'm supposed to call my dad tomorrow to tell him how I haven't been looking for jobs and definitely haven't FOUND a job and probably don't even care about a job anymore. fucking hell. what am I doing with my life?

I don't know what to do anymore

seriously this is getting ridiculous. why can't I just have an effing job already?!
I'm sick of waking up in this house where my stupid dog tries to kill herself, no one protects her from it, and I have no authority. I'm not in charge of anything! I can't even leave the house when I want unless I tell someone. I'm constantly distracted by all these other "duties", people keep saying they'll "help" me but they're not helping!! I'm just being pulled in 50 different directions. how am I supposed to figure things out for myself when I'm stuck worrying about all of this B.S. in a city that has NO opportunities?!
I've gotta get out of here!
I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of here
gahhhhhhhhhhh I've got to get out of here!!!
but I can't do anything yet! it IS all cyclical. I can't even spend my money anymore. probably fuck everything up
I have dreams about wandering through foreign countries on my own, but I'll never do that because I'm too chicken shit, and then I wake up to find that my brother's too stupid to put the dog outside before he leaves so I get to clean up after the food that she decided to scarf and the carpet that she decided to trash because she's now awake and doesn't have any attention doted on her. I can't even sleep 8 hours and wake up to a normal, functioning environment. this is so wrong for me!!

even the job searching goes in circles. I go to these job sites that tell me to create a resume through them, spend an hour doing that and then find that the jobs I want to apply for won't take the site's resume builder crap and I have to submit a separate one! or I have to fill out their mind-numbing, retard resume thing which takes me another hour and then I've been sitting at the computer too long and I want to go shopping :/
then I GO shopping, ask the store employees how I could go about applying for a job in their store and they tell me I have to fill out an application online
seriously. this can't be a good start. I've been a college graduate for a year now and I'm completely lost. I can't keep going in circles! I need to move forward. soon or I will lose my mind!!

one day I'll write a blog that's actually interesting and not full of complaints... hopefully