running

I can't tell if I miss him, or if I just miss the way I felt when I was with him...

how can you miss someone that you never really knew?

I'm struggling lately with fucked up feelings. I thought I could be in love but then my brain got in the way. I wish I was more open to a romantic situation, but when a person is here and then gone all of a sudden, it's kinda hard. I don't know how to deal with this.
part of me wants to tell him how much I was willing to sacrifice in order to be with him but the other part realizes how crazy and obsessive that is. I mean, if he had spent more than a few nights in that (romantic) capacity then it might have led to something. but now I'm wondering if it had ever meant anything. I hope I'm not just forcing some made-up scenario to feel better about myself. I truly hoped that he liked me as much as I liked him


perhaps we require the background:

this guy I know
-nay, this guy I obsessed over for more than a few months has left me high and dry. (sigh)
I don't know what to do anymore

I suppose this is what adults do. I just have had zero experience in adult situations before this, so it's hard for me to grasp.

I had a crush that led to a pretty decent friendship that led to a couple of flirty, half-confessional sessions with a guy that was (what I thought of as) perfect. we couldn't actually be together because he was leaving and I was inexperienced and it wasn't one of those things where all we wanted was a one night stand and then to never see each other again.. or so I thought.

it's turning out to be even worse than that. neither of us got laid and I'm still as inexperienced as ever when it comes to relationships and grown up anything for that matter and now I'm wondering if we'll ever see each other again.
it shouldn't be that hard. we're only four hours away

I don't really know how to explain what I've been feeling lately... I'll try a metaphor
it's like I was running a cross-country, long-distance race. things were moving steadily and I had an image of the finish line, I had no idea when I would (or if I would) get there, but the path kept getting more and more comfortable to run and all of a sudden things just felt easy and I knew I could reach the end without an issue. (the finish line is metaphorical for a relationship with anybody, but in this case, said guy)
so I'm running, things are easing up, I finally can see the finish line and it's such a realistic goal... but then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, someone picks up the finish line, bundles it up, and takes it away. I can't keep running because I'll get exhausted and I don't know how long until the finish line now. no idea where it's been moved to or if I'll ever find it.
I may need to start running a new race

but it's really hard for me to give up on one race and just start running another. I keep waiting for someone to put the finish line back up so I can finish this race.

Scarlett fields

it's officially Scarlett Sunday. I'm declaring it on account of two things- one: I have a girl crush on Scarlett Johansson and really just want to look like her more than anything. two: I'm bored and I decided to find beautiful pictures of her to motivate myself to look better.

here I go. (this is partly inspired by my friend Rachel's obsessive blog entry about Megan Fox ;) <3 you Rach, but Scarlett's way hotter)

her appeal is more based on her ability to be sultry and emotive instead of full-on sexual, I think. she's so versatile and has been in the most amazing photo shoots...

.. one of my favorites. I LOVE her thin arms and full lips. two traits I unfortunately do not possess :/ but the curls I can do, no problem ;)

what about this red hair?? crazy good-looking on her. I think it was only done for that Iron Man movie, but I'm a fan.

this picture is probably my all-time favorite of Scarlett. I don't know why exactly, it's just so white-trash glam and I guess I'm a typical "give me cheap synthetic fabrics" white girl. though the dress is probably silk, I'd buy it in anything else if it would look this good on me. haha

I don't even feel the need to explain the rest of these. how can you not be attracted to this girl? her face is so unique and her beauty isn't a cookie cutter "perfect" type of beauty. she looks like the subject of an old Renaissance-era painting. probably why she's put into a lot of period films.

anyone who knows what I look like can guess why I picked this^ one as inspiration. haha

<3

I'm not as big of a fan of the brown hair. this picture highlights her pristine profile and amazing lips though :)

spread for Mango

and last but not least, the way she walks. if you ever watch a movie with Scarlett Johansson in it and pay attention to her walk (like I do, obviously), it's so distinctive. she has this slightly pigeon-toed, long-legged walk with just enough wobble. I wish I could do it.

and I'm spent.

he's my deal, as a matter of fact.

weird. I used to be a pretty shallow person, strictly about looks as a first impression... these days not so much. (is this growing up, or giving up?)

lately I've noticed that when I meet a guy, I'm more self-conscious and awkward if he's good-looking, which makes me not act like myself and therefore give the wrong impression. sometimes it's a better impression, but not a true one.. if he's okay-looking and not exactly my ideal hair color/body type (like I have an ideal anyway? I've never even had a serious relationship!) then it's easier for me to be silly/flirty/not care so much about what I say. I should have known this was the case from the start. I've had so many online "friendships" where I told people practically anything because I wasn't afraid of meeting them and having them judge me based on the way I look. for some reason I've been living my *real* life in some completely physical, judgmental way and being frustrated when I can't find people I'm happy with or who have something in common with me. DUH! I'm not uber attractive! obviously guys who aren't gorgeous either are gonna have more to spark my interest with than the ones who are!

not that I'm saying I'm now attracted to unattractive people, but I guess looks are less important. :/ kinda weird to say that. I always thought I would hold out for the PERFECT, tall, dark and handsome dude who liked me for being me and was tired of all the high-maintenance girls that didn't value HIS personality because they were too busy trying to look good together. so much for that. but I do still feel like there has to be a certain amount of physical attraction... you know, it just doesn't work if looking at the guy turns you off.

so now I need to work on trying to look past appearances and actually getting to know men (yes, I said "men." ugh, I really am getting older) before I decide whether they're cool or not. or whether we'd have something to base a relationship on. wheewww I usually don't sound so straight-forward when it comes to talking about the opposite sex but I'm sure this is a good thing.

bring it on, guys! you better step it up in the character department ;)

the walls of my heart are lined in leopard

I'm obsessed with leopard print. this isn't a recent development, I'd say it's been going on for about three years now... it's slowly gaining intensity though. I used to say "okay, leopard print sheets are a bit extreme, but that's as far as I'll go." now I have added a purse and a couple pairs

of shoes to my collection. everything I see that has leopard print on it is automatically cute! what is wrong with me??????!?!! I used to think the only people who liked or would wear leopard print were old women or super tacky, white trash types.. I'm turning white trash :( or I'm getting old. probably both. ughhh life.

my newest goal is to find an awesome dress or skirt. this is Dior from a few years ago:

just gorgeous.. I love the shoes too..

this Spring by Dolce & Gabbana:

suuuper cute with the lace on the sleeves!

this one is an absolute dream! the colors and the flowy-ness.. love it:

by Bluemarine

now if I can just find one I can afford...

I'm so dumb

I thought things would be a breeze once I got done with school...

inspiration and motivation aren't things that you can force or hurry. I need help, I admit it. I just don't know who from. so far the "help" I've been getting is having an opposite effect.

age has nothing to do with being grown up

my head won't leave my head alone

I wish I could stop obsessing over guys that I'll probably never see again..

shit's been coming to my attention recently that makes me wonder if I should contact certain people again, but I can't convince myself to. I mean, what would come of it? this dude's in Colorado.. if I say "hey, how's life? remember how we used to flirt? maybe we should make something of that," it'll be stupid because I'm here and he's there.

but. if he ever feels like coming here or I end up visiting Colorado again soon...

ugh. too much.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me and the interactions we used to have or if that's all in my head and he thinks I was a stupid ditz. my friends think I have nothing to lose by talking to him again, but I DO. I have my dignity. I would feel really lame and desperate if I said hi to him and he responded with "ummm, why are you trying to be my friend now? after like, three years??" or he didn't respond at all!! that would be the worst :( I guess that's what I'm most afraid of.

but then there's also the possibility that he'll be really happy about it. I used to think he had feelings for me, though I don't know why, but I never knew how to flirt or make it into something. what if he wants to get closer and talk more often and maybe eventually come visit? or have me visit... that's scary too.

I don't want to write about this anymore, so I'm gonna share my newest discovery.

CocoRosie. a band of two sisters that sounds like little girls singing made up songs to an electronic back-beat. I love it. I feel like I used to hear their music a lot in college and just didn't know who they were.. so now I do and I'm having fun :)

Noah's Ark

saltwater queen

I know this is like the most retarded, emo, self-pity thing to say ever, but I really hate myself sometimes. now being one of those times

I just spent an hour and a half straightening my hair, applying smoky nighttime makeup, and trying on every dress/heels combination that I have before deciding that I wasn't gonna go out. my friend invited me to dinner and drinks for her birthday tonight and I was so glad that she actually wants me around (we haven't seen each other for a while and honestly, she's way cooler and more Vegas than me) but I felt like my wardrobe wouldn't suffice for the night ahead. and I didn't have money. I'm so sick of asking my dad for money. I KNOW I need to find a job and start supporting myself and not worrying about how I'm gonna afford nights out with friends, but that's a separate story.

so I thought "maybe I should just go and not worry about how well-dressed I am" and then I thought "no I can't wear that. it's lame." who cares that it's lame? no one. only me. then I thought "I can't wear this because I'm way too fat for it." really, it's just my arms that are exposed and fat. but I couldn't wear a cardigan with a frumpy dress while everyone else is wearing cute cocktail dresses from department stores.

I spent so much time criticizing and second-guessing my clothing choices that it ended up being half an hour past the time that my friend wanted people to meet up and I still had a 30-minute drive to get to the place :/ so I thought to myself (I do this a lot, in case you haven't noticed) "it's not worth driving all the way there if they're almost done and are about to go somewhere else." plus I hate being late and I'm ALWAYS late. sometimes, for some reason, I'll think it's better to not go at all than to show up late. what is wrong with me?!?! it's so fucking ridiculous that I over-analyze these things that aren't even important and miss out on spending time that IS important :(

it makes me really sad and disappointed in myself. I feel like punching a wall right now because I can't deal with this issue in any other way. I'm missing the birthday celebration. I wasted time making myself pretty to just take everything off again. I'm now sitting at home complaining about how lame I am because I'm not going out. I set up these situations that are inevitable EVERY time that I have the chance to be a normal person and do something fun. it makes no sense to me. am I really that scared of everything?? ...