saltwater queen

I know this is like the most retarded, emo, self-pity thing to say ever, but I really hate myself sometimes. now being one of those times

I just spent an hour and a half straightening my hair, applying smoky nighttime makeup, and trying on every dress/heels combination that I have before deciding that I wasn't gonna go out. my friend invited me to dinner and drinks for her birthday tonight and I was so glad that she actually wants me around (we haven't seen each other for a while and honestly, she's way cooler and more Vegas than me) but I felt like my wardrobe wouldn't suffice for the night ahead. and I didn't have money. I'm so sick of asking my dad for money. I KNOW I need to find a job and start supporting myself and not worrying about how I'm gonna afford nights out with friends, but that's a separate story.

so I thought "maybe I should just go and not worry about how well-dressed I am" and then I thought "no I can't wear that. it's lame." who cares that it's lame? no one. only me. then I thought "I can't wear this because I'm way too fat for it." really, it's just my arms that are exposed and fat. but I couldn't wear a cardigan with a frumpy dress while everyone else is wearing cute cocktail dresses from department stores.

I spent so much time criticizing and second-guessing my clothing choices that it ended up being half an hour past the time that my friend wanted people to meet up and I still had a 30-minute drive to get to the place :/ so I thought to myself (I do this a lot, in case you haven't noticed) "it's not worth driving all the way there if they're almost done and are about to go somewhere else." plus I hate being late and I'm ALWAYS late. sometimes, for some reason, I'll think it's better to not go at all than to show up late. what is wrong with me?!?! it's so fucking ridiculous that I over-analyze these things that aren't even important and miss out on spending time that IS important :(

it makes me really sad and disappointed in myself. I feel like punching a wall right now because I can't deal with this issue in any other way. I'm missing the birthday celebration. I wasted time making myself pretty to just take everything off again. I'm now sitting at home complaining about how lame I am because I'm not going out. I set up these situations that are inevitable EVERY time that I have the chance to be a normal person and do something fun. it makes no sense to me. am I really that scared of everything?? ...