white trash

my mom's watching Dr. Phil.. my brother drives a pick-up truck, I'm unemployed, and our house is filled with shit. what is happening to my family???!!!!?!?!?!

in other news, I'm finally getting my act together and filling out resumes/applying for jobs. I hate it, but I hate not having a job even more. I can't sleep at night unless I interact with people during the day. it's so strange

we just moved the last of my things from Fort Collins so now I have even less space than I did before, but I'm finding out that making room and sorting through things isn't HALF as big of a chore as my mom's always made it out to be..

I have a mission now, and that's all I needed. over and out

okay, so I almost can't stand this anymore. my mom drives me nuts. SHE is nuts!
whenever she's home I just feel pent up and agitated and then the second she leaves to go somewhere I let loose and happiness overcomes! I feel like an angsty teenager again... but she's seriously mental! she acts like I don't know how to do anything, and when I try to act like a grown-up she gets mad and then starts COUGHING and then I feel bad about setting off her stress-related illness. gosh, I can't deal with it.
I still can't decide on a job. I mean, I could apply for a whole bunch of them but I'm not quite to the point where I'm going to yet. I feel like a complete bum lately. I hardly ever leave the house, I keep forgetting to return people's phone calls.. I'm socially retarded! even talking to the neighbors freaks me out. I'm losing confidence in almost everything (including myself) and I don't know what to do.
maybe it's the change of scenery or the change of responsibility, I don't know! I'm just not happy anymore. I've stopped caring. I want a job, but I don't care enough to find one. it makes me sad to think about all the people and things that I might never see again. I don't feel like moving on. I'm stuck in the past.

and our satellite just stopped working so I can't watch Scrubs anymore :(

all in the golden afternoon

my baker's muscles are turning into gardener's muscles. I almost broke my wrist/hand the other day when I encountered a particularly strong weed and fell backward onto some concrete :/
ouchy, I know. yard work is dangerous!
I'm trying to clear out our front plant area (I can't call it a garden because it's NOT) so that I can plant some poppies. I love poppies. I want them to go to seed and cover the entire front yard so our neighbors can complain about what a mess we are. haha
oh, so yeah I was working in the front yesterday and found a SNAKE skin. from a SNAKE. I don't know if it lives in our weeds, but I'm really careful now when I disturb the area...

AND I'm pretty sure the bees are out to get me. they fly a reasonable distance away but I can tell that they're just waiting for the perfect moment to go buzzing by my ear and make me drop my trimming sheers on my foot

summer blues

I know I KNOW I haven't been keeping up with this blog and it's dumb. but now that I have daily access to home internet and may actually have an audience, I'll be better about it. just bear with me because I tend to ramble and talk about things that most people don't find at all interesting and leave out all the stuff about my life that someone may care about. I think that's me in a nutshell actually..

so, no more bakeshop. I worked at the place for a year and a half but it seems to have completely flown by. and I only wrote one entry about it. ummm.. dangit

if you work at the bakeshop you've heard all about my feelings toward the place. it was just a job, but it was such an interesting job. I think I'll miss the cute boys more than anything ;)

lately I've been pulling a lot of weeds and getting dirty feet everywhere I step in this house. the place needs more work than I could possibly contribute to it, so I'm afraid it will never be presentable. my mom treats me like a servant to her domain. she thinks because she owns the house she shouldn't have to do any upkeep? I don't get it. and then she'll work all day and go into a coughing fit and I feel guilty so I wash her work dishes and then discover she's been on facebook for two hours while my brother and I think she's gone to sleep or something. I've also witnessed her spending more money than need be spent on stupid little things but then she complains that she can't afford her inhalers that may save her from potentially DYING someday soon. UGHHHH
the carpet was removed from our front rooms so now it's exposed concrete and/or cheap linoleum showing through. we have to vaccuum every day in order to keep the dog fur from flying up into our food/drinks/faces/whatever and since I've been here I'm the only one who actually brushes the poor, spoiled dog who thinks she can get a treat every time she whines in your face. wait, no I'm not bitter.
my mom calls me selfish when I talk about going out with my friends or spending MY money on a new accessory but then she'll decide to go meet someone for dinner and tell my 17-year-old brother to buy a hamburger at McDonald's because she's not going to cook anything. I'M selfish when I worry about MY job situation or MY lack of relationships instead of sorting through all of HER stuff that is in my way or applying for the jobs that SHE thinks I should apply for.
this has to stop or one of us is gonna get murdered by the other.

aside from wallowing in my obvious angst, I've been thinking about what I actually want to do job-wise. I've always had a slight desire to go to culinary school and then open my own business. maybe a cake shop or something.. so I've been looking into that. all of my friends are going to design school in New York or moving to Japan to teach English or something bigger and better. I'd love to experience new, far-off places, but I don't know if that's quite right for me. I freak out and get all introverted when I'm forced to acclimate to a new setting. I'm nowhere near even contemplating settling down.. yet, so it seems the best option as of right now is starting a band with my friends. we're gonna throw all of our material possessions away (except the cameras and the best clothes), take up some instruments and probably party in London. with Rob Pattinson

cop cookies

oh man. there's some crazy law enforcement conference going on this week on campus and the bakeshop has been up to its air vents in packaged, frozen cookies and muffins muffins muffins. frickin cops.

first off- what kind of prospective law enforcement students are gonna want to stuff their face with fatty, sugary, crap-full baked goods during a week long demonstration/boot camp?? meanwhile, we're busting our asses in the bakery to arrange, bake, box, and label all of these THINGS that are now considered EVIL by almost everyone who's been working with them and I'm sure that only about 1/6 of all of it MIGHT get eaten. :/

I leave work with crazy guilt complexes about how much food I'm taking part in wasting by removing the cookies from the freezer and placing them on those unforgiving sheet pans..

it's probably the best job ever, but with all the people dying in the world of starvation everyday, why do I have to throw food away? what a hypocricy. the police officers are ordering food that will inevitably be thrown into the garbage and added to our planet's waste and they're the ones who are supposed to keep the criminals (i.e. thieves and litterers) in line! sometimes I hate the world

oh college kids..

it's amazing how many stylish outfits can be constructed around sweats. I've seen heels with a CSU hoodie, tights under scrunched sweatpants.. girls wearing coordinating victoria's secret pink jacket/tanktop/sweatpants/tote bag. what is up with college girls? it's an endless supply of fashionable scrubs. and guys, man. they wear workout clothing like it's nobody's business. it's like they just came from the gym, only they're clean and ready for class. what's the point of having normal clothes if you don't wear them to school? seriously. do they wake up, think "I'd like to be ridiculously comfy in class today" and then shower and put on fresh sweats? seems a little pointless, right? unless they're going to run to class..

the sunlight is causing a huge glare on this screen, so I'm done.

time

ah, it's been a while.

the weather's finally starting to cool off, so now I have nothing to complain about... well.
school sucks like always. procrastinating like usual. nice to know SOMETHING hasn't changed. I need a job. I need to be more outgoing. maybe I'll actually meet some new people. :O shock.

I keep thinking that things will happen when they're supposed to happen, and things will change when they need to change, but I'm sick of waiting. I'm going to make some things change. . I just don't know HOW.
blah.

I'm going home. after I write some more. ;)

well, now that fall's here I don't know what to be waiting for. I mean, obviously there are lots (especially for me) but I mean, something inevitable. like christmas or something. next full moon. I don't know. I don't know! I guess I'm not really waiting for anything. this is also new. hmm.

I'm still working on the whole not caring so much thing. but I'm getting better.

get a clue

I hate how everyone looks the same these days. last fall, when all of this stuff was "new" and "in style" no one liked it. ie: skinny jeans, 60's bobs, flats, huge sunglasses, etc. now everyone and their mom is trying to replicate the trends! but it's not that cool anymore! why is this stuff finally acceptable after so many have put themselves out on a limb by pushing boundaries? I mean, when I see people dressed like a model I saw in the new Vogue, that's exciting! or when someone is wearing clothes that you can't get in the popular stores and they look like a freakin ICON, it's so cool. but when your friend comes to class wearing a shirt exactly like one you just got rid of and they say, "isn't this cute? I love the new style of clothes.." what are you supposed to do?? "oh yeah, that was 'in' about a year ago, but good job finally figuring that out."

I'm sorry, I'm not a beauty queen. I'm not a fashionista by any means, I have a hard time staying "a la mode" as well, but I just hate how people will diss something when it's new and fabulous and then once they see EVERYONE wearing it EVERYWHERE, they think, hey it's okay! I don't have a brain so I'll try to look exactly like that one girl... ugh.

find something new, will you? be yourself. get inspired by the trends but don't be a copy. you can't be that one girl, because only SHE can be that one girl. you are YOU. deal with it. and embrace it!

my pain meds are starting to wear off..

ditsy history

I'm sitting in the library with my world history book open in front of me, but of course, I DON'T WANT TO READ IT!! temper tantrum..

something got me to thinking today in my english class. we were going over a play where the main characters are husband and wife, but they act more like father and daughter, or dominator and play-thing. one girl in my class pointed out how demeaning it was that the husband referred to his wife in the third person: "how is my little sky-lark? did she spend way too much money again today?", etc. I realized that I found it cute before thinking about it too deeply. then some other girl brought up the fact that alot of girls dumb themselves down when there are guys around to attract them more.. ?? why do I always feel too dumb around everyone if it's the norm to unintentionally make myself sound less smart? I'm either living in a completely different reality from everyone else around me, or I really am just some sort of bimbo. either way, I wish girls weren't so critical of each other. I suffer from it too. we compare ourselves to others in the most petty ways, even if it's not apparent. sometimes I wish we all looked the same so that all we had to rely upon were our personality differences. then guys would actually have to carry on a conversation in order to tell if we were likeable.
I think everyone would be better off if that were the case.

ugh, and ancient people worshipped fertility symbols, drew pictures on walls to keep records, lived without civilization like we do today..

I hope whoever's reading this can tell where the sarcasm is.

wouldn't it be cool if our dwellings were connected by rooftops instead of streets? "who's that walking around on my roof?.. oh it's just Mrs. Jones coming around to chat."

and summer blows away..

.. and quietly gets swallowed by a wave.


a wave of sadness, that is. the waves in California didn't quite do it for me this time. I guess it's kind of a wave of people that swallowed up summer also. for Fort Collins anyway.

yeah so school's started up again. people are EVERYWHERE. .. at least they WERE everywhere last week.. it seems to have thinned out slightly now for some reason. probably all the new kids realized that hanging out on campus when they don't have anything else to do is LAME. but who knows. whatever.

I don't know what my problem is lately. I believe things that are absurd. and I'm becoming somewhat dishonest.. :/ that is the worst thing right now. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be some phony, knowitall adult who's wasteful and annoying and.. bad.


22 sucks so far.

ch-ch-changes..

I've found myself doing things differently lately. or liking different things than usual... it's weird.

for example: I'm getting more into movies that are dark and moody and melancholy and lack comedic undertones. it's like funny isn't funny anymore. go see the new Harry Potter!
also, I had an urge to RUN today. that never happens, but for some reason running sounded great this morning. of course, once I started running I was thinking differently.
my friends are starting to make me sick. (I know, bad)
I'm actually looking forward to fall semester. or maybe it's just fall in general that I crave..
I don't really care what people think of me as much. I like that.

wait.. it's July??

yeah, I realized it was July, but then I actually REALIZED it's JULY. my birthday's this month, I'm done with summer school TOMORROW and I'm going to Vegas and it's one month closer to fall semester.. and that means FALL and new classes. (exciting)

boy.

I'm looking forward to some movies that are coming up in the near future:

Across the Universe (!!!!)

Sweeney Todd

The Golden Compass

.. also tons of new music is coming this fall. the summer's half over already! GAH.



anyway, in recent events.. yesterday was fun. I saw the city park fireworks for the first time and they were awesome. then we (the girls and I) bought some frozen "custard" from goodtimes (first time) and went back to our condo where we proceeded to set off a few battling tanks and things that I had left over from last year. AND the weather was nice. not ridiculously hot.



today. ugh. I have to read these huge articles for my class and then write some shit about them. THEN I have to study for my FINAL which is tomorrow. I've also been putting off telling my dad about the retard car, so I'll force myself to call him today. I'm having some trouble typing. my fingers are moving too quickly and before my brain can tell them what to do. I keep typing too many of the same letter or typing the middle of a word before the beginning.. <-- just there, I accidently ALMOST typed beginnning. :/

my head kinda hurts too. boo hoo.



okay, so I'm behind on celebrity gossip and all that junk, but I just noticed how much weight BOTH Jack and Kelly Osbourne have lost. it's crazy. they look so different (good different) and older.

!! :( & ?

I got an A on my last test. I always feel so incredibly shocked when I get As on stuff. I'm not an A student. what's going on here?? it's pretty great though. I'm on an A high at the moment..

but.
I'm kind of feeling one of those feelings like I belong anywhere but here. I reeeaalllyy like Fort Collins, don't get me wrong. it's just that stuff is happening with my people everywhere else and I don't like being far away. :( nobody knows me anymore unless I force myself on them. I change all the time people! I'm becoming more of certain things and less of others. learning as I go.. I want to share it with friends. aaannnddd I make no sense. appy polly loggies.

okay, so lately there have been craploads of incoming freshmen on campus for the preview orientation thing. I can't help but wonder if anyone else is shocked by their size and clothing style. ? they're frickin monsters! even the girls. and I remember being fresh out of high school and feeling like clothes were the only thing that mattered in the world. these people have no individual style! I can't believe it. (I guess I was pretty conforming at that age too, but I at least felt the need to do SOMETHING different) even their parents have wardrobe issues.
haha, I'm so shallow. I do try to catch people's eyes and give 'em a smile at least, but most of them don't even look up... :O speak of the devil. a girl just walked in with her coach bag and her mint-green-polo-wearin daddy. kinda creepy actually. with their dyed hair and fake tans.. can't wait for fall!

I have to pee.

for lack of a more witty title jumping into my head.

it is true though...


ANYway. it's monday and I had trouble getting up at 6 this morning, but I didn't have trouble getting up at 4 this morning because I had to pee. I was perfectly energized! I think I only laid back down because I'm lazy. apparently that was a mistake. why do I feel the need to write about this pointless shit?? ugh.
I might as well gripe because that's what I'm best at I think.
I need a book for class that they do not have at the school bookstore, rams bookstore OR big dog textbooks. I don't want to order it online. :( I don't want to ask Barnes & Noble or the bookstore on campus to order it for me, cuz who knows how long that'll take. (and because of my social anxiety)
I don't know why, but I've been listening to slow, moody, dramatic music lately that makes me cry. because it makes me cry. (I know why I listen to it, I just don't know why I'm torturing myself) I actually caught myself tearing up in the library the other day because of a SONG. that's no good.
fucking school. ruins everything. I want to say "peace out" to this summer class, but I'm halfway through, so that's a dumb idea. I need a job, my car is falling apart and I'm scared to tell my dad, I like being at home more than anywhere else (well, almost anywhere else), and I have no friends nearby to keep me company. (so go meet some new people, right? yeah yeah, I know) punk.

I'm such a baby! man.

I've got nothing to say

I've got nothing to say,
I've got nothing to say,
I'm an utter dismay,
I've got nothing to say.

weeeiiirrrrdd

okay, so. I was listening to a song on myspace and the exact lyrics were, "I gotta go, I gotta get out of here.." and THEN. get this.. internet explorer glitches and shuts off on me. just out of nowhere, but RIGHT after the song. freak me out.

in other news: I might, MIGHT, go to Wales next spring to study abroad!! I'm really excited about the possibility. I was excited before. now I'm REALLY excited. (Sarah is a spazzzz.. and a half)

there's some guy in the library right now, near me, who smells like fish. and not the good kind of fish.. the cheap crayola marker kind of fish. :[
bleh.

frivolity

yeah. I got bored and decided to google something..
today's word: frivolous

-a band
-some wikipedia definition of a legal term
-a clothing line
-youtube video
-The Truth About Frivolous Tax Arguments (a pdf)

woohoo. the internet never ceases to amaze me.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. not because of the googling of frivolous.. but because yesterday I was walking around in direct, scorching sunlight and sweating like a beast and today it's been nothing but chilly and damp. I personally prefer the chilly and damp, but it's so confusing! Colorado weather is a pain. I'm going to go check out a book that I've read three times now. and read it again.
I'm wearing some four-dollar thrift store flats today. they fit me perfectly, it's amazing. I love second-hand things!

and. I think the universe is conspiring against me. today marked the THIRD time since the summer started that I have put $1.50 into a vending machine and my goddamn skittles have gotten stuck. there is nothing more aggravating, seriously. I'm going to punch a hole in the wall the next time those freakin skittles.. no, probably not. my hands are too pretty.

I hope someone is still reading my blog..

I realized that the only person that I knew who actually took interest in this is in a completely different state (geographically, and I'm sure also mentally) so I don't know if I have any more followers to possibly entertain....
but I will go on anyway. digress, if you will.

I keep listening to the same song over and over because it helps me focus and it's sad and pretty and I wish I could live in a bubble with nothing but the noise of the song around me. gosh, I sound so weird. it looks like there's a storm hovering above the area. I wish it would just let loose. none of this anticipation junk. :/
I keep getting lost in everything. I mean EVERYTHING. all at once. I try to put on some nice music and focus on this reading I have to do for class, but my mind goes on reeling without my permission. I'm thinking about going to Elitch's and riding rollercoasters.. and then about Wales and the possibility of a semester abroad.. and then I start thinking about all of the things I have to do that I should have gotten done sooner but since I didn't they're piling up and overwhelming me more.. (shocker) I need someone to express all of these random thoughts to who will give me some intuitive feedback. my friends hear my thoughts and then present THEIR side (which I can't snub because I'm guilty of doing the exact same thing. everyone's naturally selfish) and my mom always gives me the "well, I don't know what to tell you" thing. it's not like my job is hard! I don't have a hard life. I'm just so unsatisfied with my situation no matter what I do. I always want to be doing something different. it's exhausting. I'm not even talking about what I was originally talking about! bahhh.. fuck it.

okay, so this is my third output for the day..

and I know I don't need to write so freakin much, but this guy (cute guy, I might add) just walked in, sat at a computer and is playing solitaire. the library closes in an hour, and he just got here, and he's playing solitaire...

that's all.

paranoia

man. I don't know what's going on. my day started out okay. I had some goofy horoscope about how wonderful things were going to happen.. then it was all downhill after that. evil horoscope.

my car is freaking out on me. I went to start it this morning and it took a couple tries before it would rev up okay. then when it did, the radio locked itself and there were beeps coming at me from every direction (audis have the weirdest safety features). the first thing I thought was.. maybe I should have taken the bus and this is karma yelling at me to be considerate of the environment. though it got me to campus okay. but then AFTER school it seemed even worse. it was taking forever to start and things were flashing and I was dreading having to call my dad and tell him I broke his car. but, once again, it drove fine. it seemed like it was just spazzing out when I tried to get it to start so I figured it was the battery. (though there were no warnings flying at me about the frickin battery.. )
the weirdest thing happened after I had gotten home and eaten some food and then left to head back to school. I turn the ignition- "rrrrhhgrrrrhgrrr..." nothing. uh oh. turn it off, try it again- "rrrhhggggghhh" barely starts. the radio's locked, but no beeps, and my automatic all the way down window feature doesn't work. (usually, you can just tap it down and the window lowers all the way) the weirdest thing was.. my gas gauge was showing that I had more gas in it than I did when I left this morning. but just like before, it drove like it always does after I got it started. so I'm driving and I call my mom to tell her about it. she gives me all these tidbits: "if the gas reader is messed up that's not a good sign." (I know) "make sure you keep your windows rolled up because if the battery dies and they're still down and it starts raining, you're screwed." (yeah) "when you get to school, if it gets you to school, turn it off, then start it up again and see what it does." (okay) so I get to the parking lot, after a very tense drive there, turn it off, say a couple nice words to it, and start it again, expecting the worst. the thing starts perfectly! not even a hint of trying. and the gas gauge still says I have more gas than I thought. I don't know what's going on!!! my car is possessed. and I have no idea what to expect now, which is horrible.

in other news, it was a nice day today and I was worried all day that it wouldn't be. my schoolwork isn't half as demanding as I was making myself think it was. and people aren't nearly as bad as I've been believing they are (at least most of them).

a life lived in fear is a life half lived?