I'm so dumb

I thought things would be a breeze once I got done with school...

inspiration and motivation aren't things that you can force or hurry. I need help, I admit it. I just don't know who from. so far the "help" I've been getting is having an opposite effect.

age has nothing to do with being grown up

my head won't leave my head alone

I wish I could stop obsessing over guys that I'll probably never see again..

shit's been coming to my attention recently that makes me wonder if I should contact certain people again, but I can't convince myself to. I mean, what would come of it? this dude's in Colorado.. if I say "hey, how's life? remember how we used to flirt? maybe we should make something of that," it'll be stupid because I'm here and he's there.

but. if he ever feels like coming here or I end up visiting Colorado again soon...

ugh. too much.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me and the interactions we used to have or if that's all in my head and he thinks I was a stupid ditz. my friends think I have nothing to lose by talking to him again, but I DO. I have my dignity. I would feel really lame and desperate if I said hi to him and he responded with "ummm, why are you trying to be my friend now? after like, three years??" or he didn't respond at all!! that would be the worst :( I guess that's what I'm most afraid of.

but then there's also the possibility that he'll be really happy about it. I used to think he had feelings for me, though I don't know why, but I never knew how to flirt or make it into something. what if he wants to get closer and talk more often and maybe eventually come visit? or have me visit... that's scary too.

I don't want to write about this anymore, so I'm gonna share my newest discovery.

CocoRosie. a band of two sisters that sounds like little girls singing made up songs to an electronic back-beat. I love it. I feel like I used to hear their music a lot in college and just didn't know who they were.. so now I do and I'm having fun :)

Noah's Ark

saltwater queen

I know this is like the most retarded, emo, self-pity thing to say ever, but I really hate myself sometimes. now being one of those times

I just spent an hour and a half straightening my hair, applying smoky nighttime makeup, and trying on every dress/heels combination that I have before deciding that I wasn't gonna go out. my friend invited me to dinner and drinks for her birthday tonight and I was so glad that she actually wants me around (we haven't seen each other for a while and honestly, she's way cooler and more Vegas than me) but I felt like my wardrobe wouldn't suffice for the night ahead. and I didn't have money. I'm so sick of asking my dad for money. I KNOW I need to find a job and start supporting myself and not worrying about how I'm gonna afford nights out with friends, but that's a separate story.

so I thought "maybe I should just go and not worry about how well-dressed I am" and then I thought "no I can't wear that. it's lame." who cares that it's lame? no one. only me. then I thought "I can't wear this because I'm way too fat for it." really, it's just my arms that are exposed and fat. but I couldn't wear a cardigan with a frumpy dress while everyone else is wearing cute cocktail dresses from department stores.

I spent so much time criticizing and second-guessing my clothing choices that it ended up being half an hour past the time that my friend wanted people to meet up and I still had a 30-minute drive to get to the place :/ so I thought to myself (I do this a lot, in case you haven't noticed) "it's not worth driving all the way there if they're almost done and are about to go somewhere else." plus I hate being late and I'm ALWAYS late. sometimes, for some reason, I'll think it's better to not go at all than to show up late. what is wrong with me?!?! it's so fucking ridiculous that I over-analyze these things that aren't even important and miss out on spending time that IS important :(

it makes me really sad and disappointed in myself. I feel like punching a wall right now because I can't deal with this issue in any other way. I'm missing the birthday celebration. I wasted time making myself pretty to just take everything off again. I'm now sitting at home complaining about how lame I am because I'm not going out. I set up these situations that are inevitable EVERY time that I have the chance to be a normal person and do something fun. it makes no sense to me. am I really that scared of everything?? ...

high anxiety

alas, blue hair must wait til monday night! things are actually happening this weekend and I'm supposed to say hi to my mom's friend who is in town (meh) and she might judge me too harshly :(

ahhh I wish more people read my blog. then I would feel like I have a purpose... I'm so used to being alone that I get overwhelmed when one person wants to spend time with me. that's pretty sad

too much time looking up's turning everything blue

I want to be this girl. in this picture. that is all.

oh, also: blue hair this weekend. I'm going all out. it will wash out in three days or so, so I don't really care about how it may affect people's opinions of me or what my parents/other family members will think. boo ya

also also: rum & cokes rock my socks off

it can't be helped

I like to complain about things that I either can't change or that I know won't be changed, so here I go

I wish I wasn't in this situation that I'm in at this point in my life. maybe two years ago, or even three, but not now. it sucks right now. and I'm not getting any younger

the stupid cats like to wait until everyone's comfy and dozing off in their beds and then they start scratching shit up!! and they know you'll come out and yell at them and/or smack them so they run away from you and IT'S THE MOST FRUSTRATING THING EVER. ugh. I want to move away and get my own cat that is de-clawed so I don't have to worry about this crap and feel guilty that the fucking furniture is shredded.

for some reason when I sit at a computer my right hand gets really cold but my left doesn't. it's uncomfortable

my favorite thing to complain about are the guys who will never be mine. they're too good for me. or I'm not their type (even though they're EXACTLY my type) or they're physically attracted to something I'll never be or I let a friendship go on too long and now we're destined to be nothing but friends... forever! yay

and I sit around thinking someone will talk to me or notice that I exist or give me the attention that I give them but it never happens. I don't know why I expect differently

my least favorite thing to complain about is my friends. they really piss me off sometimes. I feel like ignoring them and acting like I'm too busy so they know how it feels. I mean, I know I don't have a job or school or anything important to worry about so why shouldn't I be there when they need me? but it's not like I was any different when I DID have school and a job. it's bullshit. nobody cares and I'm SICK of them saying they do. they don't, they just wish they did

I don't know where my motivation is lately. I honestly cannot recall the last time I had fun doing something that I suggested or wanted to do. I never want to do anything. I knit all the time but I feel like I don't make anything. I read and watch movies but I don't learn anything. I interact with people and become LESS inspired than before. the only time I get anything done is when I'm buzzed and can actually focus on one thing at a time or if someone around me is doing something different from what I'm trying to do and I can rebel. blah, I'm tired, I'm going to bed. if anyone's hoping that I'll stay up late tonight to (not) talk to you, screw you. try getting up early for me

5 months til my birthday!

add this to my wishlist:

this could be the start of something great.

no, it's not a new love interest (unfortunately)... I got a new bed! and a new mattress that I picked out!!

in case this is confusing, I'll explain- I've been sleeping on the bottom half of an old bunk bed with a crappy-ass mattress for the past year. it has sucked, to say the least. I would lie there and actually feel my ribs pushing against the springs in the mattress. I would wake up with pains everywhere and I never felt fully rested even after 10 hours of sleep.

I downsized to a twin from a full size, but it doesn't bother me a bit. it's an awesome, antique-looking bed and I got a posturepedic mattress with the right cushioning in the right places... AND to top it all off.. my dad bought me Hello Kitty sheets. haha!! I didn't even ask for them. I'm 25 and have Hello Kitty on my bed. fucking awesome. I'm used to twin beds since being in college for six years and living in spare rooms the rest of the time after, plus it saves on space. so now I've got less under the bed space but lots more room in my room. I still have to rearrange my furniture, but I actually slept comfortably in my room last night and it was MAGNIFICENT. so stoked about this new bed thing

fuck it, where's my shit?

I am newly obsessed with the band Warpaint and can't get enough of them. this is one of my favorite videos of theirs that I've found. I would suggest looking up the song "Beetles" if you want to know what they're saying since it's kind of hard to tell in this..

me me me

I love when females can be grungy and look obviously unwashed but still come off as sexy and talented. <3 chick rock!

and me!

... so free-spirited and happy

she is the new thing

Picture of the Day

I found this online and liked it so much that I saved it. I'm gonna get new glasses soon so maybe I should try a pair like these?

counting bodies like sheep

I need to stop this.

lately I've been looking up people I used to know. people that I used to have *things* with and it's not a good idea. one, because I need to get over them and bringing back memories is counter-productive. two, because it makes me wonder how I would be now if things HAD worked out with them. and that makes me curious about what THEY are like now... and that makes me want to contact them.

BAD. bad bad bad... you should never go back. things are never the same. ugh but I can't help wondering. bleh

I wish I didn't have such issues with people. I either try too hard and realize they're not worth it or I don't try enough and later realize they WERE worth it. sucks either way. I need to be a tad more trusting and a bit less neurotic probably.

it's too bad we can't get songs imprinted into our personalities so that when people get to know us they hear the songs that best describe our feelings or that we love most

2 and 2 always makes 5

if only drinking wasn't so hard on your body. I love how easy it is for me to say things I don't want to say after I've had a few and how much I'm willing to talk... I'm only afraid that I'll regret it when my liver croaks and I have to have an organ replacement. or when it gets old and people realize I'm boring.

so, I can't decide if this is logical thinking or not:

-if I buy food, I will eat it. if I eat the food that I usually buy, I will gain weight. so it's better that I don't leave the house to go buy food. right? :/

-if I don't leave the house, I will still eat food (probably too much) and sit around instead of getting outside and walking through grocery stores.. so staying home is bad for my figure as well.

-if I get up early, go to the gym and elliptical for like, 2 hours and THEN buy groceries and then sit around at home eating them, it's not as bad as either of the afore mentioned scenarios but then I get tired and sleep after I eat, which slows down my metabolism.

so I have decided that no matter what I do I regret it and life is hopeless

p.s. I still don't have a job. redundancy!

a deeper meaning?

I have no deeper meaning. I am no longer deep. all of my feelings have been expressed and my insides might as well be on the outside as everyone has seen them already... I have nothing to hide. people know me too well. I HAVE NO MORE SECRETS because I've told them all to anyone and everyone who will listen. I'm desperate for a kindred spirit, someone who cares or at least understands but it never happens. I just keep telling more and more hoping that someone will hear it and say "oh hey, me too!" pretty soon I'll have nothing to talk about and have my vocal chords removed. or maybe I'll start singing instead. or writing... writers are deep. right?

brunettes have more fun

I need an eyebrow pencil.

push up bra, acrylic nails

I have moved to Las Vegas
I live with my dad.. it's good so far

everyone and everything is different in Vegas. I've lived here before. about ten years ago we moved FROM Las Vegas TO Colorado.. then I moved back. my dad lives in a gated community, one of many in this crazy, unsafe place. I watch too much C.S.I. I'm soooo paranoid! plus his house was burglarized not too long ago so there's actually some reason to my paranoia. I miss my friends :( I miss Fort Collins. at least there I could walk around and feel safe(ish) and I knew which bars were the good ones and the best place to get a burrito. there the smell is familiar and my hair and skin are predictable. here I step outside and am always surprised, either by how warm it is, how windy it is, or how stagnant and strangely cool it is. the last has actually happened the most. apparently they DO have a spring here

the other day I bought a push up bra. don't ask me why, it was a strange impulse. I don't like to flaunt my assets and I definitely do not like to draw attention to my upper body.. (I also don't need any help in that region, if you know what I mean) but I like the way the bras push me up and in. haaaaa haha, so there's that. conforming? not quite..
I've noticed that many many females in this town (dare I say most of them) have their nails done professionally in a salon. I've seen some attractive sets and some not-so-attractive ones and I'm actually contemplating having mine done someday. once I find a job that doesn't require me to use my hands too much... hmm, maybe that won't happen after all. it would be hard to knit with nails too. :( poo

it's true, money doesn't get you very far

I went to Denver to shop at the Cherry Creek shopping center today. it was depressing. I mean, not because everything was SOOO expensive and it would have been laughable to see ME walk into the Louis Vuitton store like I could do something, I'm used to that. that's why I <3 that mall so much. the depressing thing was the fact that I DID have money and COULD have spent it on SOMETHING (maybe not Louis Vuitton.. ) but I didn't!! I didn't spend my money! what the deuce is happening to me? I used to LOOOOVE spending money on frivolous things that would make me happy for about two months! am I growing up? ick! I used to swoon over the shoes in Neiman Marcus that I usually only see on the pages of my fashion magazines and be amazed that I could actually pick them up and *gasp* maybe try them on! now it's nothing. it's the same old thing over and over

I always go to Cherry Creek and marvel at the prices and the types of people who actually AFFORD it all. I always get strange looks when people notice my undone hair and my frumpy clothes and my lack of designer jewelry. maybe I'm over it. maybe I want to blend in now for some reason and not be noticed. maybe I don't actually want to go to Cherry Creek anymore :(

how sad am I? this type of stuff pops into my head.. oh well
I'm supposed to call my dad tomorrow to tell him how I haven't been looking for jobs and definitely haven't FOUND a job and probably don't even care about a job anymore. fucking hell. what am I doing with my life?

I don't know what to do anymore

seriously this is getting ridiculous. why can't I just have an effing job already?!
I'm sick of waking up in this house where my stupid dog tries to kill herself, no one protects her from it, and I have no authority. I'm not in charge of anything! I can't even leave the house when I want unless I tell someone. I'm constantly distracted by all these other "duties", people keep saying they'll "help" me but they're not helping!! I'm just being pulled in 50 different directions. how am I supposed to figure things out for myself when I'm stuck worrying about all of this B.S. in a city that has NO opportunities?!
I've gotta get out of here!
I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of here
gahhhhhhhhhhh I've got to get out of here!!!
but I can't do anything yet! it IS all cyclical. I can't even spend my money anymore. probably fuck everything up
I have dreams about wandering through foreign countries on my own, but I'll never do that because I'm too chicken shit, and then I wake up to find that my brother's too stupid to put the dog outside before he leaves so I get to clean up after the food that she decided to scarf and the carpet that she decided to trash because she's now awake and doesn't have any attention doted on her. I can't even sleep 8 hours and wake up to a normal, functioning environment. this is so wrong for me!!

even the job searching goes in circles. I go to these job sites that tell me to create a resume through them, spend an hour doing that and then find that the jobs I want to apply for won't take the site's resume builder crap and I have to submit a separate one! or I have to fill out their mind-numbing, retard resume thing which takes me another hour and then I've been sitting at the computer too long and I want to go shopping :/
then I GO shopping, ask the store employees how I could go about applying for a job in their store and they tell me I have to fill out an application online
seriously. this can't be a good start. I've been a college graduate for a year now and I'm completely lost. I can't keep going in circles! I need to move forward. soon or I will lose my mind!!

one day I'll write a blog that's actually interesting and not full of complaints... hopefully

white trash

my mom's watching Dr. Phil.. my brother drives a pick-up truck, I'm unemployed, and our house is filled with shit. what is happening to my family???!!!!?!?!?!

in other news, I'm finally getting my act together and filling out resumes/applying for jobs. I hate it, but I hate not having a job even more. I can't sleep at night unless I interact with people during the day. it's so strange

we just moved the last of my things from Fort Collins so now I have even less space than I did before, but I'm finding out that making room and sorting through things isn't HALF as big of a chore as my mom's always made it out to be..

I have a mission now, and that's all I needed. over and out

okay, so I almost can't stand this anymore. my mom drives me nuts. SHE is nuts!
whenever she's home I just feel pent up and agitated and then the second she leaves to go somewhere I let loose and happiness overcomes! I feel like an angsty teenager again... but she's seriously mental! she acts like I don't know how to do anything, and when I try to act like a grown-up she gets mad and then starts COUGHING and then I feel bad about setting off her stress-related illness. gosh, I can't deal with it.
I still can't decide on a job. I mean, I could apply for a whole bunch of them but I'm not quite to the point where I'm going to yet. I feel like a complete bum lately. I hardly ever leave the house, I keep forgetting to return people's phone calls.. I'm socially retarded! even talking to the neighbors freaks me out. I'm losing confidence in almost everything (including myself) and I don't know what to do.
maybe it's the change of scenery or the change of responsibility, I don't know! I'm just not happy anymore. I've stopped caring. I want a job, but I don't care enough to find one. it makes me sad to think about all the people and things that I might never see again. I don't feel like moving on. I'm stuck in the past.

and our satellite just stopped working so I can't watch Scrubs anymore :(

all in the golden afternoon

my baker's muscles are turning into gardener's muscles. I almost broke my wrist/hand the other day when I encountered a particularly strong weed and fell backward onto some concrete :/
ouchy, I know. yard work is dangerous!
I'm trying to clear out our front plant area (I can't call it a garden because it's NOT) so that I can plant some poppies. I love poppies. I want them to go to seed and cover the entire front yard so our neighbors can complain about what a mess we are. haha
oh, so yeah I was working in the front yesterday and found a SNAKE skin. from a SNAKE. I don't know if it lives in our weeds, but I'm really careful now when I disturb the area...

AND I'm pretty sure the bees are out to get me. they fly a reasonable distance away but I can tell that they're just waiting for the perfect moment to go buzzing by my ear and make me drop my trimming sheers on my foot