!! :( & ?

I got an A on my last test. I always feel so incredibly shocked when I get As on stuff. I'm not an A student. what's going on here?? it's pretty great though. I'm on an A high at the moment..

but.
I'm kind of feeling one of those feelings like I belong anywhere but here. I reeeaalllyy like Fort Collins, don't get me wrong. it's just that stuff is happening with my people everywhere else and I don't like being far away. :( nobody knows me anymore unless I force myself on them. I change all the time people! I'm becoming more of certain things and less of others. learning as I go.. I want to share it with friends. aaannnddd I make no sense. appy polly loggies.

okay, so lately there have been craploads of incoming freshmen on campus for the preview orientation thing. I can't help but wonder if anyone else is shocked by their size and clothing style. ? they're frickin monsters! even the girls. and I remember being fresh out of high school and feeling like clothes were the only thing that mattered in the world. these people have no individual style! I can't believe it. (I guess I was pretty conforming at that age too, but I at least felt the need to do SOMETHING different) even their parents have wardrobe issues.
haha, I'm so shallow. I do try to catch people's eyes and give 'em a smile at least, but most of them don't even look up... :O speak of the devil. a girl just walked in with her coach bag and her mint-green-polo-wearin daddy. kinda creepy actually. with their dyed hair and fake tans.. can't wait for fall!

I have to pee.

for lack of a more witty title jumping into my head.

it is true though...


ANYway. it's monday and I had trouble getting up at 6 this morning, but I didn't have trouble getting up at 4 this morning because I had to pee. I was perfectly energized! I think I only laid back down because I'm lazy. apparently that was a mistake. why do I feel the need to write about this pointless shit?? ugh.
I might as well gripe because that's what I'm best at I think.
I need a book for class that they do not have at the school bookstore, rams bookstore OR big dog textbooks. I don't want to order it online. :( I don't want to ask Barnes & Noble or the bookstore on campus to order it for me, cuz who knows how long that'll take. (and because of my social anxiety)
I don't know why, but I've been listening to slow, moody, dramatic music lately that makes me cry. because it makes me cry. (I know why I listen to it, I just don't know why I'm torturing myself) I actually caught myself tearing up in the library the other day because of a SONG. that's no good.
fucking school. ruins everything. I want to say "peace out" to this summer class, but I'm halfway through, so that's a dumb idea. I need a job, my car is falling apart and I'm scared to tell my dad, I like being at home more than anywhere else (well, almost anywhere else), and I have no friends nearby to keep me company. (so go meet some new people, right? yeah yeah, I know) punk.

I'm such a baby! man.

I've got nothing to say

I've got nothing to say,
I've got nothing to say,
I'm an utter dismay,
I've got nothing to say.

weeeiiirrrrdd

okay, so. I was listening to a song on myspace and the exact lyrics were, "I gotta go, I gotta get out of here.." and THEN. get this.. internet explorer glitches and shuts off on me. just out of nowhere, but RIGHT after the song. freak me out.

in other news: I might, MIGHT, go to Wales next spring to study abroad!! I'm really excited about the possibility. I was excited before. now I'm REALLY excited. (Sarah is a spazzzz.. and a half)

there's some guy in the library right now, near me, who smells like fish. and not the good kind of fish.. the cheap crayola marker kind of fish. :[
bleh.

frivolity

yeah. I got bored and decided to google something..
today's word: frivolous

-a band
-some wikipedia definition of a legal term
-a clothing line
-youtube video
-The Truth About Frivolous Tax Arguments (a pdf)

woohoo. the internet never ceases to amaze me.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. not because of the googling of frivolous.. but because yesterday I was walking around in direct, scorching sunlight and sweating like a beast and today it's been nothing but chilly and damp. I personally prefer the chilly and damp, but it's so confusing! Colorado weather is a pain. I'm going to go check out a book that I've read three times now. and read it again.
I'm wearing some four-dollar thrift store flats today. they fit me perfectly, it's amazing. I love second-hand things!

and. I think the universe is conspiring against me. today marked the THIRD time since the summer started that I have put $1.50 into a vending machine and my goddamn skittles have gotten stuck. there is nothing more aggravating, seriously. I'm going to punch a hole in the wall the next time those freakin skittles.. no, probably not. my hands are too pretty.

I hope someone is still reading my blog..

I realized that the only person that I knew who actually took interest in this is in a completely different state (geographically, and I'm sure also mentally) so I don't know if I have any more followers to possibly entertain....
but I will go on anyway. digress, if you will.

I keep listening to the same song over and over because it helps me focus and it's sad and pretty and I wish I could live in a bubble with nothing but the noise of the song around me. gosh, I sound so weird. it looks like there's a storm hovering above the area. I wish it would just let loose. none of this anticipation junk. :/
I keep getting lost in everything. I mean EVERYTHING. all at once. I try to put on some nice music and focus on this reading I have to do for class, but my mind goes on reeling without my permission. I'm thinking about going to Elitch's and riding rollercoasters.. and then about Wales and the possibility of a semester abroad.. and then I start thinking about all of the things I have to do that I should have gotten done sooner but since I didn't they're piling up and overwhelming me more.. (shocker) I need someone to express all of these random thoughts to who will give me some intuitive feedback. my friends hear my thoughts and then present THEIR side (which I can't snub because I'm guilty of doing the exact same thing. everyone's naturally selfish) and my mom always gives me the "well, I don't know what to tell you" thing. it's not like my job is hard! I don't have a hard life. I'm just so unsatisfied with my situation no matter what I do. I always want to be doing something different. it's exhausting. I'm not even talking about what I was originally talking about! bahhh.. fuck it.

okay, so this is my third output for the day..

and I know I don't need to write so freakin much, but this guy (cute guy, I might add) just walked in, sat at a computer and is playing solitaire. the library closes in an hour, and he just got here, and he's playing solitaire...

that's all.

paranoia

man. I don't know what's going on. my day started out okay. I had some goofy horoscope about how wonderful things were going to happen.. then it was all downhill after that. evil horoscope.

my car is freaking out on me. I went to start it this morning and it took a couple tries before it would rev up okay. then when it did, the radio locked itself and there were beeps coming at me from every direction (audis have the weirdest safety features). the first thing I thought was.. maybe I should have taken the bus and this is karma yelling at me to be considerate of the environment. though it got me to campus okay. but then AFTER school it seemed even worse. it was taking forever to start and things were flashing and I was dreading having to call my dad and tell him I broke his car. but, once again, it drove fine. it seemed like it was just spazzing out when I tried to get it to start so I figured it was the battery. (though there were no warnings flying at me about the frickin battery.. )
the weirdest thing happened after I had gotten home and eaten some food and then left to head back to school. I turn the ignition- "rrrrhhgrrrrhgrrr..." nothing. uh oh. turn it off, try it again- "rrrhhggggghhh" barely starts. the radio's locked, but no beeps, and my automatic all the way down window feature doesn't work. (usually, you can just tap it down and the window lowers all the way) the weirdest thing was.. my gas gauge was showing that I had more gas in it than I did when I left this morning. but just like before, it drove like it always does after I got it started. so I'm driving and I call my mom to tell her about it. she gives me all these tidbits: "if the gas reader is messed up that's not a good sign." (I know) "make sure you keep your windows rolled up because if the battery dies and they're still down and it starts raining, you're screwed." (yeah) "when you get to school, if it gets you to school, turn it off, then start it up again and see what it does." (okay) so I get to the parking lot, after a very tense drive there, turn it off, say a couple nice words to it, and start it again, expecting the worst. the thing starts perfectly! not even a hint of trying. and the gas gauge still says I have more gas than I thought. I don't know what's going on!!! my car is possessed. and I have no idea what to expect now, which is horrible.

in other news, it was a nice day today and I was worried all day that it wouldn't be. my schoolwork isn't half as demanding as I was making myself think it was. and people aren't nearly as bad as I've been believing they are (at least most of them).

a life lived in fear is a life half lived?

:/

blah. summer school sucks. I always get like this.. I like learning. no problem. medieval England is fricking interesting. I just hate having to turn in assignments and participate in discussions and read things before a certain date. uck. not to mention even showing up to class is a pain.
today, in my class, someone brought in pizza for their lunch and the entire room smelled like pizza. I was about to go insane if I didn't get some pizza. AND some guy blocked my view of this other guy who I like to look at..
I can't get pizza out of my mind now, but I can't go buy any because I have no goddamn MONEY. (complain complain) now if I could just motivate myself to actually look for a job and stop waiting for one to fall into my lap.

I think I'm going to have to change something soon. either relating to me or to other people. this can't go on much longer.

triste.

je manque faire semblant que je n'ai pas remarqué quand tu m'avez regardé..

and summer arrives..

ba ba baaa ba.

okay, so. first day of my first summer class. I like it. hopefully I'll learn lots. it's just weird because we have it everyday so I have to read like two books by next week and we have a paper due friday. :/ I will survive!

I was just looking at the checklist of requirements for my major so that I could figure out whether or not I need (or can use) certain other classes that are offered this summer.. and I realize that I don't need to take another french class! I've fulfilled my requirement. well, assuming I pass this semester that is. but it's weird. I'm actually slightly bummed that I don't HAVE to take any more french, because I don't think I'm gonna do it if I don't have to...
some of my friends are taking it again next semester and I was already excited to be in a class with them again. :( I'm such a doofus.

cRazYyy- I just looked outside and it's all cloudy and you can barely see the mountains. or maybe I'm losing my mind. I think I am. but it's also strangely cloudy.

I was thinking the other day (and today) about graduating. I kept feeling like I was behind because alot of people that I've grown up with graduated this semester and are moving on, but I've still got about a year to go. but THEN I thought, what does graduation mean besides you finished enough school to get a degree? I mean, yeah a degree is important and it opens a lot of doors for job opportunities, but it doesn't change who you are or how much you've accomplished. if I had graduated this semester, I would still be as big of a procrastinator and time waster as I am now. I still wouldn't have a job.. you know? it's like, I was seeing graduates as a higher class of individuals and now I'm realizing that nothing changes. or- it's another expected change that's normal to those who are in college. one day, we will all have degrees (unless we drop out, YEAH). I don't know where I'm going with this.

it hasn't really sunk in yet..

I'm DONE! with this semester at least.
my stress isn't quite released yet though, I can still feel it. I've been typing madly for the past hour and a half and my hands are still all full of adrenaline. plus it's super quiet in the library now that everyone's done studying and so my typing is sounding REALLY loud. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST TYPE IN ALL CAPS? THIS IS PRETTY MUCH HOW I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW.. haha
ugh. I hope my teacher accepts my paper. technically it was about five minutes late. plus it sucks. it's a sucky paper. he might take one look at it and go, "nope." but all I want is a C.
STRESS. man, I'm finally realizing all of these little things that have been side effects of the past few weeks. my posture is horrid right now, my right arm had a muscle spasm in it all day and my fricking eye has been spazzing out to the max for a few days now. my skin's a wreck, my legs are cramped from lack of stretching (I miss dance) and sitting in chairs. and I think my metabolism is on some stop and go, rush hour traffic thing. I'll eat a cup of cereal and a homemade burrito or two, and I feel like I've gained fifty pounds. but then I'll overload on carbs in the morning and by ten o'clock my stomach is eating itself. ? I'm always confused, maybe I should just leave it alone.

now. I am going home to eat, sleep, and be merry. hurray for summer.

happy?

I was soooo happy and smiley about half an hour ago, now I've sunk back into my disgruntled sleepiness. MOOD SWINGS!

I got an A on my history of Spain and Portugal term paper! I can't believe it. (actually, I can, but I had my hopes down) I never write as well as I can, or should.
but then I realized I had no one to share it with. I called my mom, no answer. none of my friends would care and besides I wouldn't call a friend just to brag about my A. that's not nice. mom would understand though. boo hoo I sound like a whiner. "I have no one to talk to. wahhh." which is why I write a blog...
that's just one thing that puts me into my sulky mood. two: certain people have been not talking to me lately, and I didn't think it would bother me that much but it IS bothering me. ugh.
three: I'm trying to get happy about the end of the semester (tomorrow- french final, paper due, dun) but that doesn't work either because as soon as tomorrow's over I'll have no reason to wake up in the mornings and no classmates to giggle with. I mean, I'll have a class starting again soon, but I have a feeling it's going to be one of those anti-social atmospheres. I could be wrong of course.
four: I know of lots of people who are having crazy end-of-semester parties, but do I get invited?? no. I'm not cool enough apparently. even though I'm a really good speller and I get super uninhibited/ridiculous when I'm drunk.
five: the weather's nice today. really nice. I just can't enjoy it because I'm going to have to spend my time at a computer writing my stupid paper! I COULD just study for french and type my paper later.. that way I could work outside.

guhh... I hate writing papers. it takes me way longer than it needs to because I always spend 75% of my time thinking or complaining about how much it sucks. I need to go home and sleep. I only got three and a half hours last night.
this band that I just discovered, The Horrors, is remarkably good. I didn't think I would be this into them. :]
man, I'm a rambling idiot. aallll over the place..

revolution

I haven't done this in a while and the idea just popped into my head, so..
I pick a word to google cuz I'm curious to see what search results I'll get. today's pick was "revolution"and the first few websites were:
-the wikipedia definition (of course)
-a soccer team
-pet medication
-some music website
-computer software
-nintendo (?)

yeah, pretty much nothing on the first page about actual revolutions. isn't that bad? I'm slightly disappointed.
and I'm not studying. :(
I hate studying.
I hate school.
but I love music. and that's what I'm doing, looking up music.. and rambling. to a computer.
sigh.

oh boy

so. ?

today's a little cold for May. I like it though. I sold some books back thinking I would get at least $15 or so for them because half of them I bought NEW. but noooo.. $10. that's it. but at least now I have something to spend if I actually go out tonight.

the days go by slow, but the weeks fly by like JETS. next week is our last (or at least, some people's last) and I'm not even that excited. I feel like nothing's exciting anymore because it's all inevitable. someone needs to surprise me.

what do you do when your feelings for someone don't seem to be shared by that person, but then you realize that that person could be so much like you that they are only hiding their feelings.. just like you? I bet that made no sense. I've been thinking about it alot though. same zodiac sign, same age, same eyes... what's the procedure for dealing with your same personality? or is it just a bad idea to try to deal with it at all? ugh. maybe I should just give up. I ALWAYS give up though. I want to at least get an answer this time.

my ramblings aren't getting me anywhere. I feel like I've been thinking in circles. life is never that exciting for me. the clouds look like an army of huge, puffy manatees and they're coming in to save the day. or just to make it rain... which would save my day. I realized why Hawaii seems so green: when it's cloudy, everything green looks greener.
including those eyes.

can't

I can't get my work done. I'm starting to not care. I should probably head home now and I haven't even written a whole page since 1:00. I hate school. just when I start to LIKE it, things happen to make me not like it, and then I hate it again. what is one to do. done.

un.inspired

blah. that's all I've got. things are sucking lately. I don't do anything, barely talk to anyone (but when I do talk to people, I regret it).. I guess I could change these things, but that takes motivation.

still working on the stupid spain and portugal paper that's due friday. the end of the semester is near and I have a million things to work on. but I'm sure everyone else does too. I can't remember why I was going to write a blog in the first place..
it'll come back to me.

oh, I hate my stupid regretful, indecisive nature! (duh) I will debate and conflict with myself over the tiniest, most trivial thing, and then if I do it, I feel like a dumb ass. but if I don't do it, I feel stupid for not taking a chance. what's wrong with me?

then: PEOPLE. I can't get over it. don't say I'm cool and that we should hang out, blah blah blah, and that we're FRIENDS and then completely ignore me. I just want to know if I'm wanted or not. :(

thursday

I'm starting to like thursdays a bit more than I used to. it's hard to explain. something about the next day being friday and then thursdays are usually more eventful than other days (even if it's not very positive eventfulness)...
today, on the plaza, they have polynesian stuff going on. food and dancing and music. I feel like I'm back in Hawaii. :) and I like how not many other people here really know what it's like to go to school in Hawaii and to see that stuff all the time. so for me it's nostalgia, for them it's something strange and intriguing. it does make me miss da island a little bit, and it's helping to brighten my mood (along with the weather). yay for spring, finally.
k, so I go to myspace to log in and the person who was on here before me's name was on there (if you know, then you know) and it said, "Hi, superman". haha. cracked me up. I'm so addicted to updating my stupid profiles on facebook and myspace. I don't even use them to stalk people anymore (I know, what's wrong with me?) I just think of ways I can change my look, or music, or what new things I can write about myself. I'm soooo lame! gosh. talking about this crap.
I am lacking things to do this weekend. (alright, strike that. I'm lacking PEOPLE to do things with this weekend) I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to have a reason to get up in the mornings and get dressed to go out. I have a feeling that all I'll worry about is school work and I probably won't even get anything done, like usual. :( right now I have an hour to waste in the library.. maybe I'll stumble across something interesting on the internet?

slacking

I don't want to do anything that I should do. (surprise, surprise) I have a research paper I should be working on. I should do some job searching. I should be patient. I should go home and eat instead of sitting in the library at this computer. my stomach is about to eat itself. I should call my dad and tell him I need money instead of copping out and writing a dumb email. I should study french. I should do french homework! actually, I think I will while I'm here. where was I? I should call people on the phone, period. I never do that. facebook rules our lives.

I'm excited

things I'm looking forward to (in no specific order):

graduation (even though I'm not graduating, I'm excited for those who are)
summer classes (no, really)
Across the Universe (look it up!!)
having a job and having MONEY (for obvious reasons)
a steady friend (or more than friend)
end of the year festivities (which have kind of already started)
Lindsay's wedding (if I can afford to go.. that is)
visiting my dad (Vegas, new pad, kitty)
311 in August! (I MIGHT see them..)

I might be updating this list from time to time. (check back)
;)